Blue Sky

I’ll be glad when we can start March’s budget.  This month has been full of mistakes that have made the budget much harder.  We’re under on gas this month… we’ve not done well on taking cash out for groceries which makes for more work with the calculator… we’ve had little unexpected things all month.   And I’ve been annoyed this month with thinking about all the money I don’t have.  The gray, rainy skies didn’t help.  I like that each month is a fresh start.

Today the blue sky made a glorious appearance and stuck around all day.  It’s amazing what the sky will do for my mojo.  I just smile and look at the mountains or the planes flying above and I feel good.  I got out and ran today for the first time in a week and the scenery was just plain inspiring.  My husband mowed the grass today.  Ahh, a mowed yard makes me feel better too.  I’m hopeful finally.

SAD

It’s been a SAD week.  By sad I mean seasonal affective disorder.  Acutally it’s probably that combined with PMS.  🙂  But a depressed week nevertheless.  I hate when I go through these slumps.  When I do I see everything through the negative filter.  Emotionally I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I’ve went to bed early twice this week (which is very unusual for me) and don’t feel rested the next morning.  I’ve also been fighting a weird cold that keeps lingering and lingering.  I have barely ran. And I don’t like being around people.  I dread being around people actually… forces me to smile and be (or fake) happy which when I’m down I resist.

I haven’t really ever been diagnosed with SAD but every year about this time I get down.  Some years it’s worse than others.  Four years ago it was the worst it’s ever been.  The thought of that winter/spring still scares me.  I never want to go to that place again.

I called my mom today.  She always helps.  She gets me.  She knows when I’m seriously down and she knows when I’m just a little depressed.  But she always lifts me up and speaks truth.  Today she told me be thankful and named all that I have to be thankful for.  And we laughed.

Four years ago when I went through the bad time I remember sitting on the floor on the phone with her, both of us crying.  She spoke words that finally shined the light in the darkness and it was about God’s love for me. How one day I was at her house and I walked out the front door and as she watched me she was overwhelmed with a feeling of love but it was God showing her how much He loved me.  When I heard that I broke down even more.  I pretty much melted in His arms and sobbed.  He still loves me…

I feel so unloveable at times.  But at that moment I felt loved.

So far this sadness has been just been this week and I suspect it will pass soon.  I see some reprieve in the coming days and weeks that might just lend to a better mood.  What I do have going for me is that my job, no matter how much I don’t love it, gets me out of the house.  It forces me to talk to people and it forces me to get up and shower and get my mind off things.

Over and out.

Just Life Happenings

I’m sitting in a quiet house.  I’ve cleaned some, did some laundry, grocery shopped. Now I’m chilling before the kids get home.  It’s been a semi-productive day and restful at the same time.  Just what I needed.

The last 2 days we’ve went and went and went with swimming, scouts, and gymnastics.  It was nice to do nothing today.

The kids are loving their activities.  I can already tell Caed’s feeling good about his progress with swimming.  And we’ve only went once.  Sis loves gymnastics so much she can’t stop talking about it.  It’s really cute.

I’m evaluating my life and wondering what I want to do next year as far as working at the school.  I’ve already ruled out monitor.  I know, I know I wrote that post just a couple days ago about how special it is but after Monday… It wasn’t that Monday was all that bad it’s just I realized that I have 2 jobs – one is monitor that takes a lot of mental effort, the other -server- doesn’t take a lot of mental effort.  And it hit me.  While I get to know all the kids with monitor and it challenges me I’m there for *my* kids.  I can see them and hug them and talk to them with my server job.  And not get stressed out at the same time.

I think I’ve learned a lot of lessons this year with my monitor job.  And will continue to as the year drags on.  But I don’t think I’ll need to learn them again next year. I’m definitely thankful though for the experience.  I’m glad I’ve done it.  But why the stress if I don’t need it?

So we’ll see how it all pans out.  It could be that I may have to keep it if for some reason I can’t have my server job. September is a long ways away.

And then there’s my auction job…   that’s a whole other post.  🙂

Lessons from the Lunchroom

I work in a lunchroom 8 hours a week at my kids’ school. Can you say chaotic? Weirdly I’ve come to like the job. I work two different positions. One, as monitor, where I work directly with the kids (grades K-6th) and oversee their time in the lunchroom and keep things under control… and believe me it can get wild. And one as a server serving up their food.  Yes, I’m a lunch lady.  🙂

The monitor job is not my forte’. I’m not authoritative or a disciplinarian. And I’m not much of a kid lover. But I’m changing… God’s changing me. Funny how what seemingly was just a job to help pay the tuition is actually a tool God’s using to shape, mature, and challenge me. I’ve wanted to quit many times and it’s only February.

But this past week I’ve only served due to me subbing for others who couldn’t be there. And others subbed for me in my monitor postion. And guess what? I miss my monitor job. I missed interacting with the kids. I miss the challenge of the job. I kind of miss being the authority figure in the room… in a good way. In a way that they look up to me and like me yet respect me. I’ve learned you must earn that respect. I’m getting there. I missed getting to know them which I do more and more each day.

What’s happening to me? I’m beginning to not recognize myself anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing.  Strangely I’m looking forward to Monday.

Update:  I monitored Monday.  … I don’t miss it so much.

And just to clarify my “I’m not much of a kid lover” statement.  I like kids I’m just not one of those people who’s dream it is to be a teacher or children’s ministry director or never was I a teenager who had babysitting as a part time job.  But I like kids and think they’re precious my heart goes out to kids like foster kids, and Compassion kids and stuff like that.  I like to pray for the kids at lunch and I try my best to give equal love and compassion to the “good” ones, the “hard” ones, the “a.d.d” ones.  God’s definitely softened my heart through the years towards kids.  Having my own helps with that.

Why am I always clarifying???  If you happen to read my blog.  Don’t take me too seriously.  I exaggerate and generalize.  And then clarify.  🙂

Clarification and Budget Smudget Stuff

I reread my last post and realized the last two sentences could be taken totally wrong. I said,

It’s about finding myself in a place where another area of my life is fully His. Another area in my life that glorifies Him.

Taken how I did not intend this could read very prideful or very arrogant or even that I think my life is pretty perfect and this is just another area to be perfect. HA!! Knowing myself that is so laughable but let me redo these sentences.

What I mean to say is that this area is another area I’m working on in hopes that it will glorify God. As I try to do in all areas of my life but I can fail miserably at times. I had to clarify in case it was ever read wrong.

Onto more important things.

It’s only day 4 in the month and this budget has super duper mess ups. One being that I grossly underestimated the cost of my son’s swimming lessons. Enough said on that. I’ve got most of it covered just waiting to see if I can steal the rest from somewhere in the budget.

Secondly I got lazy and instead of taking cash out for my grocery envelopes I used debit which lead to a coronary and some confusion as I did the check book tonight trying to remember what I did. It didn’t help that two transactions were the exact same amount at two different grocery stores but one wasn’t for groceries… I got it figured out but learned my lesson. Just taking out the cash like I was supposed to in the first place and not relying on memory.

And that’s all for now since my son is sitting on my shoulder whining because he can’t use the computer. Poor kid.

Confirmation Through The Scriptures

Yesterday, in Jake’s quiet time with God, Jake pondered, why now?  Why now are we finally getting our finances in order.  In short, it’s because had this happened in the past, though it was still God’s doing, we would’ve given ourselves the credit. Now we’re in such a state that we can finally see that it will be all God and we’ll praise Him through the process and at the end.  I think I butchered it a bit but that’s the gist.

God will get the credit.  And rightly so.

Today in my quiet time I was reading/listening about the exodus of the Israelites out of Egypt.  So much of this story I can relate to.  God’s deliverance, their blindness and stubbornness and griping.  I’m so much like the ancient Israelites.  But in these verses I found hope for our current situation.

“Do not be afraid.  Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today.” (Ex. 15:13)  I felt this verse was mine to claim for this journey we’re on.  I really do feel like I’m just to sit back and watch what God does. I’m to be faithful and keep walking forward, like the Israelites, and eventually we’ll make it to the promise land.

Another section of this scripture jumped out at me.  I wrote this in my journal:

On the beach with nowhere to go.  And the enemy was descending upon them.  Just feel like that’s where we are.  And God wants to show us it is His victory.  His doing.

We have these “enemies” on our backs (the RV, the house) and I feel like we’re standing next to a sea.  And we can only move when God makes the way.  I’m confidant He will.

If taken only at surface level finances can seem so futile… but really it goes so much deeper for me.  Everywhere God takes me it’s about obedience, faith, and submission to Him.  I know it’s more than about money.  The promise land for me isn’t about big houses and lots of money.  It’s about finding myself in a place where another area of my life is fully His.  Another area in my life that glorifies Him.